Wine By the Rules

My good friend Rich Ireland , author of the eminently informative “Beers To You”  blog,  is a passionate proponent of all aspects of the stuff of which he writes.   Not satisfied  that he has almost single-handedly improved the number, quality and  availability of craft beers in the state, he also insists that we (and those who serve us) observe proper suds etiquette.  

In fact, his recent blog taking to task one of my favorite area  restaurateurs  for having the audacity  to serve beer in an iced tea glass got me thinking.  I should probably be more observant and critical regarding  the myriad wine-related faux pas committed each day by well-intentioned, but under- educated, wine lovers.

However, I must admit, when it comes to following rules of etiquette, I am a swine.  Just ask my wife.  In my rush to experience the sensory pleasures of certain liquids, I sometimes take shortcuts that might be as egregious a sin as eating with my bare hands. But, as someone who has served time in Catholic school, I am a great believer in redemption.

 So, from now on, I hereby give fair warning that I will be on the lookout for those of you in my line of sight who do not observe the rules (see below) of proper wine etiquette.

Rule #1 – Never drink from a wine skin that is made from the following animals:  anacondas; skunks; wombats; flying squirrels (still on endangered list); frogs; coyotes; muskrats; aardvarks; ring-tailed lemurs; porcupines; llamas; or hyenas. The best wine skins are still made from mature sheep by celibate shepherds.

Rule #2 – Only swirl wine in the proper direction – time depends on this! It is absolutely essential for people in the northern hemisphere to swirl wine in a counter-clockwise direction while those living south of the equator swirl in a clockwise fashion.  If everyone swirled in the same direction, time would either go faster or slow down. This does happen occasionally which accounts for why so many people experience déjà-vu while others seem to be getting ahead of themselves.

Rule #3 – Snorting wine is not yet approved by the American Oenophile Association - so don’t do it in public.  I’ve noticed more and more folks in restaurants who have taken to snorting instead of sipping wine. While this can certainly be therapeutic for those with sinus problems, I still feel sipping is a better way to evaluate wine –though I’m willing to be convinced otherwise.     

Rule #4 – Inappropriate cork behavior.  Corks should only be used for their intended purpose. Once a cork is pulled from a bottle and presented to you by the sommelier, it should be treated with respect. It can be sniffed, but should almost never be eaten.  And  please refrain from charring the  end of the cork to paint a moustache on your tablemate.    How appalling!

Rule #5 – Please do not drink from the dump bucket at formal wine tastings.  I know…. the protagonist in “Sideways” did this at a tasting room in the Santa Rita Hills.  But real life is not a movie!! While it is acceptable wine etiquette to spit, rather than swallow wine at a tasting, it is not appropriate (nor sanitary) to pour yourself a glass of wine from the dump bucket (unless the tasting is of First Growth Bordeaux).      

So Rich, I hope this demonstrates that I can be a stickler for, and enforcer of, all the wine rules. As a matter of fact, I suggest we meet down at the Southside Bridge and toast each other with a wine skin full of  spoody-oody! For those of you unfamiliar with this tasty treat, a spoody-oody is comprised of equal parts of  beer and wine and is best consumed under a full moon.